What you’re about to read might just top the list of today’s dumbest corporate stunts, and that’s saying something because there have been some really dumb ones lately (this one still stings).
Here we go: Maxwell House—the iconic American coffee brand that’s been around for 133 years—is tossing its name in the trash. Parent company Kraft Heinz announced the change to “reflect the changing landscape.” Translation: another company caving to woke marketing gimmicks nobody asked for.
And the punchline? Get ready for it.
Maxwell House is being rebranded as “Maxwell Apartment.” Yes, really. The woke geniuses at Kraft Heinz decided America’s legacy coffee brand should downgrade itself to match the country’s shrinking homeownership rates.
In a press release dripping with corporate virtue signaling, the company pointed out that nearly one-third of Americans are downsizing and renting smaller apartments instead of buying homes. Holly Ramsden, Head of Coffee for North America at Kraft Heinz, proudly explained this as if it were some bold cultural insight rather than an embarrassing admission that they’ve lost all sense of tradition:
Two-thirds of American adults drink coffee daily, and those costs can add up fast these days. Maxwell House believes everyone deserves great-tasting coffee. With Maxwell Apartment, we’re bringing the same classic flavor people love—at a price that reflects the smart choices our fans are making in their everyday lives.
And if you thought it couldn’t get any more absurd—think again. The “new” Maxwell Apartment coffee will reportedly be marketed as available with a 12-month lease. You can’t parody this kind of corporate idiocy; they’ve already done it themselves.
More insanity:
Today, Maxwell House rebrands to “Maxwell Apartment” to meet the needs of today’s consumer and remind fans the brand is synonymous with great tasting, affordable coffee. In a time where value matters now more than ever, Americans seek value in areas of their everyday, including where they live with nearly a third opting to rent versus purchase a home.
As a real coffee for real people, with its “Good To the Last Drop” legacy, the name change celebrates the same principle that guided Maxwell House for more than a century – smart choices add up and choosing Maxwell House means enjoying a quality cup of coffee without the cafe price tag.
To celebrate, the brand is offering consumers even more value with a 12-month “lease” of Maxwell Apartment, designed to stock up coffee lovers nationwide.
The rollout began on National Coffee Day, naturally, with Amazon pushing a 12-month “lease” deal. Buyers don’t just get coffee; they get an official Maxwell Apartment lease to sign along with their canisters—because nothing says “heritage brand” like turning your morning cup into a landlord transaction.
As I sit here shaking my head, two outcomes seem obvious. First, some marketing executives and blue-check tastemakers will call this “brilliant.” Second, actual customers will see it for what it is: woke nonsense, right up there with Cracker Barrel’s tone-deaf “update” that was so universally ridiculed the chain had to scramble into reverse.
Kraft Heinz claims this rebrand is about “empathy” for people who can’t afford homes. Cute, except for the fact that Maxwell House was never about home ownership to begin with. The name came from the legendary Maxwell House Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee—not an actual house.
Corporate lunacy at its finest.
